Monday, January 4, 2010

Dispatch From The Future -- Airline Security

Date: June 17th, 2017

Re: A History of Airline Security Procedures

September 10, 2001: No, we're good. Thanks.

September 12, 2001: Everyone is a potential terrorist. Procedures put in place to screen passengers.

September 13, 2001: Additional procedures put in place to alleviate racial profiling. For every male of Middle Eastern descent searched, twelve members of the following groups must be likewise searched: nuns, grandmothers, autistic children, chihuahuas, "little people", the sightless.

December 22, 2001: Richard Reid tries to blow up an international flight bound for Miami with an improvised shoe bomb. Procedures are immediately put in place that force all airline passengers to remove their shoes.

September 18, 2006: After a bomber attempts to destroy a plane with liquid explosives, passengers are barred from bringing vessels that carry more than three ounces of liquid through airport security lines.

December 25, 2009: A Nigerian man attempts to blow up a flight from Amsterdam by smuggling explosives taped to his legs onto a plane. Understandably, new procedures are put in place: the screeners at the airport were fired. Passengers on international flights will not ba allowed to use electronic devices for the last hour of the flight. Hands must be visible at all times, and will not be allowed to be hidden inside a snuggly blanket. Wait, what?

March 14, 2011: After a Russian national attempts to blow up a plane by mixing Mentos and Diet Coke, snacks and drinks are banned from all flights.

December 9, 2011: A Sudanese man's attempt to bring an explosive device on board in his underwear leads to all passengers being strip searched.

August 18, 2012: After a Nigerian immigrant fails to properly inspect the flaps on a Delta flight out of Dallas, causing an emergency landing, flaps are removed from all planes in domestic fleets.

January 3, 2013: Terrorist mastermind Kali al Zawal confesses his favorite color is red. Northwest airlines is ordered by the federal government to redesign its logo.

March 10, 2015: New plastic explosive technology allows a Algerian to weave a bomb into his shirt. Passengers on all international flights are required to disrobe before boarding. A nominal fee is charged by the airline for a robe.

November 23, 2016: After a bomb travels past a security checkpoint when the bomber hands it to a TSA agent and says, "hey, hold this for a minute", the TSA agent is fired all planes are fitted with steel security cages that lower onto each seat. Due to the extra weight, planes can now only carry eight passengers. A ticket from Atlanta to Denver costs $7000 one way. The TSA says in a statement, "the system worked."

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