Donna makes awesome pecan pie.
Spam can be used to make a delicious cracker spread.
Not all reindeer are chosen.
Driving lanes are optional.
Minnesota really values diversity.
1. Lose another 20 pounds. I took off over 20 pounds in 2008, so I know it's possible. Another 20 would put me at about 200 even.
Epic fail. I stayed pretty steady which itself is not bad. But I'm still about 220. Maybe that new Wii will get me in shape.
2. Cook something new at least twice a month. I got the 75th Anniversary edition of The Joy of Cooking for Christmas from my wonderful girlfriend. If you haven't seen it, it has about twelve million recipes in it, so I should be able to pull this off.
I started off great with this one. I've made tons of new dishes over the last year, some of them keepers and some not. Let's call this one mostly complete.
3. Post to this blog at least once a day. This one could be tough, mainly because of resolution #4.
I met this one easily via a loophole. While there were days in which I didn't post anything, My total number of posts was well over 400, so my average was better than one a day.
4. Don't be the guy that posts on his blog about what he ate for dinner. You know that guy: tonight I didn't feel like cooking, so I had cornflakes. Since I didn't have milk, I used root beer. Here's a picture.
I sincerely hope I have kept this one. You be the judge.
[Michael] Vick won the Ed Block Courage Award, voted on by his teammates on the Philadelphia Eagles, after the once-disgraced star quarterback returned to the league after spending 18 months in a federal prison for his role in a dogfighting ring.Not long ago it was President Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize for inventing a time machine and travelling to the future to fix all the world's problems. Now it's Vick, who courageously lied about his involvement in a dog fighting ring, selflessly got busted for pot, and fearlessly got a multimillion dollar deal to play football after he got out of prison.
"I've overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear," Vick said. "You ask certain people to walk through my shoes, they probably couldn't do. Probably 95 percent of the people in this world because nobody had to endure what I've been through, situations I've been put in, situations I put myself in and decisions I have made, whether they have been good or bad."All that's missing is references to Jesus or the civil rights movement. The Eagles were smart to release this over the Christmas holiday so as to minimize the column inches that will be spared to address it. If only they had used those smarts and given an award for courage to someone who actually deserved it.
My boyfriend and I are a couple of years out of college and doing very well. Many of our friends are not as fortunate. My problem is that we have a housekeeper who comes every month, but her work is not good. Without checking with me, my boyfriend offered the job to two of our friends who have the time to clean and need the money. I think money and friends don't mix. I feel awkward trying to back out of this, but I want to do the right thing.You think the problem lies in the potential awkwardness in having your friends clean your toilets. I, however, see the truth. The truth is that you can't figure out how you ended up with such losers as friends. You envision yourself hanging out with doctors and novelists (if not movie stars and senators) and instead you're stuck with an endless parade of losers. Hire these people to clean your toilets and scrub your floors. When they ask about your plans this weekend, tell them you don't discuss such things with servants and ask to see their green cards.
I work for a very large company, and on our floor, we all share a refrigerator in the kitchen. Over the course of several months now, many of us have had food taken, sometimes directly from our lunchboxes. The thief happens to be not only a co-worker but a very good friend whom I spend a lot of time with away from work. I don't know how to handle this.If you like her, bake a laxative into your next batch of cookies. If not, use bleach instead.
I am not a germaphobe. I do, however, expect people to wash their hands after using the restroom, and I am amazed, in this day of swine flu hysteria, to find that there are still people who don't. How do I, as a reasonable person concerned for the health of my young family, encourage better hygiene practices from my co-workers and family members, not only after using the restroom but as a general rule?I'm amazed that someone as seeming literate as yourself used the word "hysteria" unironically in describing the current swine flu mania. I mean, you do realize that your whole letter amounts to complaining that others don't show enough concern for what you yourself describe as an overwrought emotional reaction. In other words, you liken the swine flu uproar to a mental disorder, then complain that people don't take it seriously. Tell me honestly: does anyone ever actually try to shake your hand? They don't, do they?
My brother is schizophrenic and has a violent history. Years ago, when I was 18, my brother and I were driving around when we saw a hitchhiker. We picked him up and took him back to our house. The next day, the hitchhiker was gone. I had an uneasy feeling, like maybe my brother did or said something that creeped the guy out, but maybe something else happened. So how do I ask my brother if he murdered the hitchhiker?You should just walk right up and ask him. Seriously. Straight out ask him. When he offers to show you where he buried the hitchiker and casually mentions bringing an axe and a shovel along on the trip, take solace in the fact that I will win $20 in my office pool with my selection of "passive-aggressive sister, in a hole in the park, with the axe."
Wait, I know her.
You do not, you big fat liar. You don't
know anyone. All you do is watch TV.
That's where I know her from. She's
Jenny McNeal. She was a character on
a TV show back in the 20th century,
Single Female Lawyer.
Well if they're hoping to see a TV show
that hasn't existed for a thousand years,
pfft, they are royally boned.
We will raise your planet's temperature
by one million degrees a day, for five
days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow
-- 8 central!
A smoky battlefield. Gunfire can be heard in the distance. Small fires burn in piles of debris. Two U.S. Army Rangers enter a small, ruined building and find a man hiding behind the door.
1st Ranger: "We've got one. Male, unarmed. Doesn't appear injured. He's --"
2nd Ranger: "What?"
1st Ranger: "Oh my God! It's him! bin Laden!"
2nd Ranger: "Jesus, you're right! We've got to get him back to HQ! The captain will want to talk to him!"
Two men in cheap suits and trenchcoats suddenly enter the building.
Benny Liscoe: "Hold it right there, soldier. We'll take it from here."
1st Ranger: "Who are you?"
Benny Liscoe: "The name's Liscoe. NYPD."
2nd Ranger: "What? We need to interrogate this man! He could have vital information --."
Cay Rurtis: "Interrogation? Are you kidding? Have you even read this man his rights?"
2nd Ranger: "His... rights?"
Cay Rurtis: "Jesus Christ."
Benny Liscoe: "His rights! You know, Miranda? Did you at least ask him if he wanted to talk to his lawyer?? Any of this ringin' a bell G.I. Joe?"
1st Ranger: "This is a battlefield! We're fighting a war here!"
Benny Liscoe: "You want war? Try getting your palimony reduced when you gotta deal with my second ex-wife."
Cay Rurtis: (in the background) "You have the right to remain silent..."
END SCENE (cue bum-BUM sound effect)
Me: I intend to pay you back. I just can't right now.
Him: When do you think you'll be able to make a payment?
Me: How do I know? Who am I? Nostodamus?
Him: Of course. Can you tell me what the money was used for?
Me: Certainly. I used it for several projects. Spread it around if you will.
Him: I see. Can you give me some examples?
Me: Well, I spent some of it to build a park in Stonerville.
Him: There's no such town as Stonerville in North Dakota.
Me: I also spent a lot of money planting trees in Haiku City.
Him: Again, there's no such place.
Me: Oh, and thanks to me there's now a fountain in the town square in Chuff's Bluff.
Him: THERE'S NO SUCH PLACE.