Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Haiku Review: Twilight

angsty angst angst angst,
angst angst angsty angsty angst
angst angst angsty angst

Bonus Commentary: We watched the bonus features on the dvd, and it was quite funny how, when describing the characters, their motivations, and how the actors went about developing them, every synonym for the word angst was uttered, but never the word itself. I made a joke early in the movie about all the angst dripping from every frame, then ran that joke into the ground for the next two-plus hours. Every piece of dialog, every glance -- jam-packed with angst. It's like there was a sale at the angst store and everything must go. A typical scene went like this:

Pale Vampire Guy: "I no longer possess the strength to stay away from you." (stares angstily)

Pale Human Chick: (stares angstily, swoons)

PHC's Father: "The pot roast is ready!" (looks angstily between his daughter and the kitchen, glares angstily at PVG)

The damage this movie has done to Macy is immeasureable. It's going to take me years to make her understand that teenage boys don't want to just lay on the grass and stare into her eyes for hours. They don't play melancholy pieces in a room with nothing in it but a piano. And they certainly don't drive roller skate-sized electric cars.

Best/Worst Moment: When the pale vampire guy explained how his family didn't drink from humans, but only from wild animals by saying, "it's like being a vegetarian". My reply: "no, drinking the blood of vegetables would be like a vegetarian. I don't think real vegetarians would agree with you."

Fatal Logic Error: Pale vampire guy is over a hundred years old. He's graduated from about 70 different high schools. He has an adult mind trapped in a seventeen year old body. But he's still attracted to high school girls. Creepy, dude. Creepy.

1 comment:

  1. Spectacular review! Dead On! (no pun intended) Perhaps one of the most ridiculous, tedious, monotonous, and obtuse movies I've seen in the last 2 or 3 years; and I've seen some bad ones.

    Yes, Jenny made me watch it and her review would be substantially different from mine...I'm just thankful we watched it at home so I could periodically leave the room to stop my eyes from bleeding.

    Additionally, the movie could have been saved if they had at least one scene where Bruce Campbell appeared wielding a chainsaw for an arm and hacked up one of the pale vampire dudes while uttering snide comments about the pale vampire guy's heritage.