Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Tips For Dealing With Solicitors: Switch To Satellite Guy

My doorbell has been getting quite a workout over the last six months, what with the country exploding all around us and all. Between people wanting to sell me cable, satellite television, home protection systems, newspaper subscriptions, and religion, I haven't had much time to slam doors in the face of the smelly hippie-types that want me to sign a petition for government healthcare, clean water initiatives or support for a hemp-based economy.

I assume the rise in incidents of me having to get off the couch and pause season 3 of Dexter is due to a couple of factors: hard economic times bring out the scammers, and caller ID. I don't answer the phone if I don't already know who it is.

With that in mind, here is a handy guide to handling these unwanted visitors. If, to you, these visitors are actually welcome, feel free to disregard this guide. Also, I'm sorry. You must be very lonely. First up is...

The Switch To Satellite Guy: this is usually a young, preppy looking guy, clean cut, who wants to extol the virtue of switching to DirecTV and away from cable. He is armed with a vast array of tools for getting you to sign a piece of paper authorizing his employers to sign you up for satellite service. If you don't have it already, he's ready to tell you how much money you are wiping your butt with, setting on fire, and peeing on that you could be using to put your kids though college.

If you already have the service he is peddling, it's no problem; he has a special offer for you (and only you, because you look like an honest guy) that will reduce the amount you're paying without giving up any channels. Did your bullshit detector go off? It should.

How To Deal: Invite him into the house, sit him down, and make him watch the Hallmark Channel until he begs you to just kill him already. The tale will spread and you won't be bothered again. That the solicitor will spend the rest of his days in a straitjacket babbling incoherently about "Love's Sweet Promise", "Love's Enduring Power" and "Love's Neverending Spray Of Vomit" is a bonus.

Next in the series: Sign My Petition Guy

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