Saturday, January 15, 2011

Blogging The NFL Playoffs: Falcons Vs. Packers, The Second Half

Keys to the second half:

1.  Matt Ryan needs to stop sucking.
2.  Brian van Gorder needs to stop sucking.
3.  Green Bay needs to start sucking.

9:03  The Falcons have the greatest first- and second-down defense in the history of the NFL.  They also have the worst third-down defense in the history of the NFL.  Seriously, I've read magazines that could stop a football team better.

9:07  35-14.  I should have known not to get my hopes up this weekend.

9:12  Fox just ran a House promo.  Candice Bergen's still alive.  Huh.

9:15  Long pass to Jenkins.  It's being reviewed.  I have a 100% real and totally not fake trillion dollar bill that says this catch gets overturned.

9:18  Okay, I'll put up that same 100% real and totally not fake trillion dollar bill that the review official were too busy comparing Aaron Rodgers autographed jock straps to actually look at the play.

9:20  Now Koenen shanks a punt.  Bad things that haven't happened to the Falcons yet: Abraham's leg comes off at the knee.  Mike Smith develops vertigo.  The Dome collapses.

9:24  The Falcons have quit in this game.  It's official.

9:31 Tony Gonzales gets his first catch of the night.  And his first injury.  What exactly is that Atlanta did to piss God off?

9:35  Oh look, we're down 42-14.  Maybe we should start running out of the no huddle.  Now that it's the fourth quarter I mean.  When we're losing by 28 points.  When running our usual run it up the middle on first and second down offense hasn't done jack crap all night.  Yeah, we should definitely start running that now.

9:38  I think Mike McCarthy is going to send that fifteen year old kid who won the Punt Pass and Kick competition in to finish this game off for Rodgers.

9:39  42-21. The Falcons offense shows up, finally.  You're a little late.  But at least my liquor cabinet is well stocked.  Apologies in advance for the inevitable decline in my typing skills as my blood becomes more saturated.

9:47  I honestly expected a bird that had somehow gotten into the Dome to fly into that 50-yard field goal try and deflect it between the uprights.  Is this the first thing that has gone wrong for the Packers tonight?

9:51  Ryan has shown none of the pocket presence he displayed all year long.  He isn't stepping up at all; instead he's just standing there, hoping against hope that someone gets open before he's decapitated.  I really like him, and I think a lot of his problems this year (when he's had them) has been due to the handcuffs put on him by Mike Smith's conservative offensive philosophy.  He's played like crap tonight though.

9:54  Ryan fumbles the snap.  That's it, I quit.  I'm going to watch Shadow of the Vampire on the DVR.  Maybe a real vampire will come and suck my blood.  The Falcons have already sucked out my will to live.


  1. Whoa...rough game for you. While watching the game I had to double check to see if they had somehow transplanted the vikings into Falcons uniforms because I didn't think any other team was capable of that kind of playoff performance.

    Even though I was rooting for the Packers I was shocked at Ryan's performance. He looked as dazed as Daunte Culpepper after throwing an interception. But he was so solid all season...I don't get it.

  2. He has two problems, as I see it. One, he's a Falcon, and that franchise must rape puppies during the offseason because the football gods hate it with a passion.

    Second, Mike Smith has a very conservative approach to offense. He wants to control the clock, which is great in theory. The problem is that the Falcons as currrently constituted should be scoring at will. If you want to see how their offense should be run, look at the Ravens game.

    They ran the no-huddle about 60% of that game, where Ryan went up to the line and called a play based on reading the defensive alignment. They went up and down the field on the Ravens defense and scored at will. When they ran the conventional offense they did nothing.

    It's not hyperbole to say that, in the no huddle, Ryan looked like Manning. It was ridiculous. For the part of the game the Falcons let Ryan essentially be the offensive coordinator, they did to the Ravens what the Packers did last night.

    What's more, I don't think the problem is Mike Mularkey, who was known as "Inspector Gadget" in Pittsburgh for all the crazy formations and trick plays he came up with. I think Mike Smith has set parameters for the offense that the OC has to work within.

    I like Smith and think he is a smart guy; hopefully this offseason he'll come to realize he needs to take the straitjacket off the offense.