In A Perfect (Orwellian) World, All People Would Be Danica Patrick

Here is what Danica Partick, NASCAR driver, Go Daddy titillator, and statesman had to say when asked about the current debate over mandatory contraception funding:



"I leave it up to the government to make good decisions for Americans."

The problem, Ms. Patrick, is that in the eyes of government all Americans are equal but some are more equal than others.

(Bonus note: did you know you can read the collected works of George Orwell, Mark Twain, William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, and Charles Darwin online for free?)

As "Real Journalism" Dies, Have Real Journalists Stopped Caring?

I have a pet theory I'm kicking around. It goes like this: as traditional news media declines and the war between "real journalists" and serious news bloggers (note: I am not one of these) who, while not offically working for a news outlet, nevertheless function as journalists begins to tilt to the side wearing the pajamas, traditional news suffer a loss of prestige.

That slide results in a drop in quality on three fronts: first, less people are eager to be identified with traditional journalism. After all, who volunteers to associate with a dying endeavor?

Second, those who do decide to go the traditional media route are less skilled and/or professional.

Third, those already established in the media either try to get out, or at the least stop caring about it.

I have no idea which of those categories applies to David Adams of Reuters, since, as I am not a journalist, I don't have to go research Mr. Adams' background to figure out when he graduated college. However, it's pretty clear that whichever bucket he falls into, he is a data point in favor of my theory.

Worst Comment of the Day (8/17/2011)

Today's comment comes to us from SocialBlunder, accompanying a Slate article arguing against banning incandescent light bulbs:

If you think it is safe to wait for a deus ex machina to reduce CO2 before climate change caused agriculture failure, flooding, droughts then waiting for innovation is reasonable. Unfortunately we are already above 350 ppm (http://www.350.org/en/understanding-350#11). Adding coal plants and developing tar sand oil are now moral issues. Patio heaters, heated car seats, light bulbs, and fireplaces in air conditioned hotel lobbies are those same issues writ small. 

It is the role of government to ban or tax undesirable behavior. This has to mean behavioral change – I don’t think we will find an energy source as calorie dense as fossil fuels, so “luxurious” patio heaters may have to give way to warmer socks and a sweater.

Who gets to decide what is undesirable? The government? Pass. It amazes me that anyone could write this with a straight face. I guess they think that if that sort of totalitarianism ever comes to pass, they'll be magically elevated to the role of arbiter based on their ideological purity or something.

Until that happens, excuse me while I point and laugh.

Does This Mean I Can Shop At WalMart Now?

"A coalition of groups that advocate for the elderly and poor are urging California online shoppers to boycott Amazon.com because of its refusal to collect state sales tax on purchases made through the website.

Organizations including California Alliance for Retired Americans, the Health and Human Services Network of California, Health Access, the Western Center on Law and Poverty, the California Immigration Policy Center, the California Partnership held a Sacramento press conference on Aug. 15 to announce the creation of the Think Before You Click website. They urged people to cancel their Amazon accounts."

HAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAA! No, seriously. Good luck with that.

Do Women Really Think This Way?

I know a fair number of women. In general they're rational, intelligent, interesting people. They have jobs and families. They drink the occasional beer or glass of wine. They have hopes and dreams and all that happy crap.

None of the women I know seem like insecure idiots. Is it because I'm just lucky enough that the women I know are all above average in the brains and confidence departments? Or am I not seeing the "real" them and they are all actually like the women in this Slate article come off like bad parodies?

My friend "Portia" tends to manipulate situations to get what she wants. In the past, I've indulged this behavior because she has a good heart. The situation devolved last year, after the mutual friend who introduced me to Portia—"Melinda"—got engaged, and then so did I. Portia started playing mental games, sometimes acting as if she didn't even know me, other times trying to drive a wedge between Melinda and me. At Melinda's bridal shower, she only spoke to me when she could insult me. Then, at Melinda's wedding reception, she shoved the maid of honor to the floor because she was doing up the bustle "wrong," spent an hour crying to complete strangers, then had a fight with another bridesmaid on the dance floor. Then she ditched the party completely to hang out with bridesmaids (also strangers) from a different wedding in the same hotel..

Let's imagine this happened to me. Some "friend" of mine got all cuckoo for crazy puffs and started playing weird mind games, assaulting groomsmen and generally "acting a fool", as my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Gordon would say. Here is how I would handle it: I'd never invite him to anything again. I would advise others to do the same. If I was going to be at a function and he showed up, I would consider leaving.

How does the letter writer feel about her miserable excuse for a friend?

And yet I miss her! I wish that she'd been willing to talk, that I could get an apology, and that we could be buddies again.

The absurdity doesn't end there. The advice columnist to which this missive was penned understands complete how the writer feels; of course she wants to still be buddies with someone who assaulted a bridesmaid, kicked her around, toyed with her emotions, ditched your wedding to hang out with strangers and pissed all over your friendship. Because "[i]t can be fun, of course, to have friends who are complete nightmares." Really? Is this how women feel about people like this? I'd like to chalk it up to the two women in the entire world who think this way running into each other by accident. Ladies, please tell me this is the case.

Pennsylvania School Thinks Lack Of Student Privacy Extends To The Home

A Pennsylvania school thought it would be a boon to learning if they gave every student a free laptop. Naturally, there were some strings attached; the machines had to be used for school-related work, for example. But then the administration went all 1984 on the students and started using the installed spy software to see what was happening when the machines were off-campus. Oh, and looking at email and other personal items were also apparently part of the deal.

I understand the thinking behind throwing laptops at students. Hey, maybe having another six pounds to carry around in a backpack will stop the damn running in the halls. Your school looks all hip and computer savvy, and maybe Steve Jobs will tweet about you in between releasing pre-existing gadgets in fancy new casings with bloated price tags. Maybe all those kids who don't study were suffering from some rare form of dyslexia that only affects their abilty to read from books, while .pdf files remain remarkably clear.

And it certainly makes sense that if a school is going to hurl free laptops at people, they're going to want to ensure they're used for school-related functions. But even a teenager, the lowest form of life in America (at least as far as rights go -- have you ever tried to read an unborn child's email? The state would hammer you for that, my friend) has some expectation of privacy when it comes to personal correspondance.

This particular school district is denying any wrongdoing. Thinking it could give a laptop to a person and then pretending it retained all rights to it was where it went wrong.

What, No Watermelon?

NBC Studios is celebrating Black History Month. Wonder what's on the menu in the cafeteria?



Ah, of course. Honestly, this sounds pretty good to me, but then I'm from the South, so that shouldn't come as a surprise. Isn't Fox the sort of place that's supposed to do this sort of thing? Perhaps a Fox News agent put it up there? Not unless the NBC cafeteria chef is that plant.

"I don't understand at all. It's not trying to offend anybody and it's not trying to suggest that that's all that African-Americans eat. It's just a good meal," she said, adding, "I thought it would go over well."

This story first broke when Questlove, drummer for Jimmy Fallon's house band, sent the above image via Twitter with the comment "Hmm HR?".

Temperature Is Just A Number

The video of Al Gore claiming that the temperature of the core of the earth is millions of degrees reminds of just why I believe the call to fight global warming climate change is really rooted in the desire to win plaudits and make money.

If you don't know enough about the planet you're supposedly trying to save to understand things like "how hot does it get in the middle" and you're not interested enough to find out, it doesn't do much to inspire confidence. To get on television and basically talk out of your ass is funny, but not particularly inspiring.

Of course, it also makes me remember the Futurama episode where Lrrr (leader of Omicron Persei 8!) threatens to destroy the earth if an ancient television show is not rebroadcast:

FRY
Wait, I know her.


LEELA
You do not, you big fat liar. You don't
know anyone. All you do is watch TV.


FRY
That's where I know her from. She's
Jenny McNeal. She was a character on
a TV show back in the 20th century,
Single Female Lawyer.


BENDER
Well if they're hoping to see a TV show
that hasn't existed for a thousand years,
pfft, they are royally boned.


LRRR
We will raise your planet's temperature
by one million degrees a day, for five
days, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow
-- 8 central!

Al, you and Lrrr have much to discuss.

Update: The text above incorrectly identifies Lrrr as the "leader of Omicron Persei 8". His preferred title is "ruler of Omicron Persei 8". Pocket Jacks regrets the error.

California Schools Skip Chapter On Light Refraction

I pick on California a lot, but people like this make it so easy. Instead of wondering what government plot is responsible for rainbows appearing in water sprinklers, maybe this woman should wonder how she made it this far in life without learning what happens when light is filtered through a prism.

Alabama? Alabama, England Maybe

Have you heard the one about the 13-year-old who knocked up the 15-year-old? No? That's because it's not a joke.

No, the joke is that everybody involved agreed to keep it secret until the girl's mother noticed the bulge. Yes, the boy's family helped keep it secret. Heck, the boy's dad is proud of his son. Quite a chip off the old block.

I could segue here into knocking the U.K. welfare system, talk about how it actually rewards this kind of behavior and all that, but I won't. Suffice it to say that if this happened to my daughter, I wouldn't be talking about how great a mother she's going to make.

Too Stupid To Live?

I am often forwarded little trivialities that show how much smarter women are than men (thanks Wendy and Patty!). This story, I think, proves that idiocy knows no gender.

Remember Drew Peterson? He's the guy suspected in the disappearance of his 4th wife and the murder of his 3rd. Well, this self-described "catch" has a fiance. Is she worried at all?

"He will never hurt me," she says. Right. He's probably got it out of his system by now.