New (Not) Miserable Experience

There are lots of things I want to do. Many of them I've never done. I don't know why this is. Flying a plane. Writing a book. Getting in better shape. Running a marathon. Travelling the world. These are all things I really really want to do. And yet days go by and I don't seem to make the effort. Is it because I'm lazy? It's certainly partly because of that. Because I kind of am. Not in a I'll-get-by-on-welfare kind of lazy, but my particular brand of lazy is lazy all the same.

There's also an element of fear involved as well, especially with the writing thing. I've written pieces in the past; short stories, that sort of thing. Just like most everybody who's ever shown up at a fiction writing class with a pencil, some paper, and vague dreams of writing the Great American Novel or whatever, it never amounted to much. I looked back at everything I had amassed several years ago. It was crap and I threw it all in a dumpster. Frankly, that's where it belonged.

The thing is though, I think I could write something good. I have ideas, some of which I think would be totally killer/righteous/awesome/da bomb/bitchin'. But in the few and far between moments when I sit down to put those ideas to (electronic) paper, an enormous ennui settles over me. Sometimes I actually get four or fives pages of first draft down before I sputter out. Then I save the file, shut down the netbook and never look at it again.

It's definitely a fear of some sort, but of what kind I'm not really sure. I'm not worried about people reading it and thinking it's terrible; I'm not the type to dwell on what other people think of me too much. I think it's more that I'm worried I'll think it's crap. Subconciously I remember the day I trashed all my other writings and think, "nothing's really changed since then; you're certainly not a better writer, so what's the point?"

I went through a long period in my life where I wasn't very happy with who I was or where I was going. I'm not going to hash out here why I think that was (I've done plenty of that internally), but I will say that it's only in the last year or so that I think I'm starting to pull out of it, if only a little.

That all sounds appropriately melancholy and angsty and all, but this post isn't supposed to be a downer. It started off as a kind of journal entry and meandered off the path a bit. What I really wanted to say with this was that I have an idea for a series of posts that center around a new experience I'm trying.

One of the other things on that list of "things I've always wanted to do" is to learn to play the guitar. I first picked one up when I was sixteen or so. I had some friends who were musicians and they taught me some of the basics. I bought another one a year later (this one an acoustic). Soon after that I put them away and rarely took them out again. Everytime I moved though, they came with me.

The experience with D-Frag in getting ready for my wedding has kind of reminded me how much fun it was to pick up a guitar and play. I never was any good, and I never learned to read music. I could basically just play a few riffs and everything else was pretend. That's going to change though. I'm going to learn. I got some software that teaches guitar. MJ is interested in it (though who knows if that will last) so I think we will do it together. I think Donna's curiosity is piqued too; how cool would it be if we all learned together?

Anyway, I'm going to document my progress with this experience. As of now I know next to nothing -- though I still remember the intro to Welcome Home (Sanitarium), woo! Metallica! -- but that's going to change.

Do Women Really Think This Way?

I know a fair number of women. In general they're rational, intelligent, interesting people. They have jobs and families. They drink the occasional beer or glass of wine. They have hopes and dreams and all that happy crap.

None of the women I know seem like insecure idiots. Is it because I'm just lucky enough that the women I know are all above average in the brains and confidence departments? Or am I not seeing the "real" them and they are all actually like the women in this Slate article come off like bad parodies?

My friend "Portia" tends to manipulate situations to get what she wants. In the past, I've indulged this behavior because she has a good heart. The situation devolved last year, after the mutual friend who introduced me to Portia—"Melinda"—got engaged, and then so did I. Portia started playing mental games, sometimes acting as if she didn't even know me, other times trying to drive a wedge between Melinda and me. At Melinda's bridal shower, she only spoke to me when she could insult me. Then, at Melinda's wedding reception, she shoved the maid of honor to the floor because she was doing up the bustle "wrong," spent an hour crying to complete strangers, then had a fight with another bridesmaid on the dance floor. Then she ditched the party completely to hang out with bridesmaids (also strangers) from a different wedding in the same hotel..

Let's imagine this happened to me. Some "friend" of mine got all cuckoo for crazy puffs and started playing weird mind games, assaulting groomsmen and generally "acting a fool", as my 4th grade teacher Mrs. Gordon would say. Here is how I would handle it: I'd never invite him to anything again. I would advise others to do the same. If I was going to be at a function and he showed up, I would consider leaving.

How does the letter writer feel about her miserable excuse for a friend?

And yet I miss her! I wish that she'd been willing to talk, that I could get an apology, and that we could be buddies again.

The absurdity doesn't end there. The advice columnist to which this missive was penned understands complete how the writer feels; of course she wants to still be buddies with someone who assaulted a bridesmaid, kicked her around, toyed with her emotions, ditched your wedding to hang out with strangers and pissed all over your friendship. Because "[i]t can be fun, of course, to have friends who are complete nightmares." Really? Is this how women feel about people like this? I'd like to chalk it up to the two women in the entire world who think this way running into each other by accident. Ladies, please tell me this is the case.

Merry F'n Christmas, Ya'll

Hapmerry ChristKwanzanhukkahmas, everybody. I'll be busy eating lots of food and being glad I don't have to drive in the expected blizzard. If you're trapped by snow or just annoying people, take a few minutes and reflect on the things that make this time of year so darn special:

Mash-ups of cartoon classics with pseudo-rap songs:



Soiling the memories of cherished childhood icons:



Receiving the most heartfelt gifts one can steal from a Perkins:



Terrifying your children:



And being reminded of the dangers of operating a sleigh without the protective magic of reindeer:

Cool Space Picture, The Amazing Rubix Cubewich, & Was Dan Rather Always This Insane?

• Check out what you get if you combine expensive cameras and layers upon layers of sun filters.


• Make this with better ingredients (pork fat?) and you've got a winner.


• Dan Rather laments the decline and fall of the watchdog media: "A truly free and independent press is the red beating heart of democracy and freedom". His plan to save it? Have the government set up a 'commission on public media". Because if there's one thing that will ensure an independent media, it's the government telling it how to run itself.


• Shocker: it appears the multi-billion dollar organic foods market may be propped up with phony health claims.

Ebony Predicts The Past, Not-A-Pit-Bull Bites Man, And Fox To Screw Up Futurama Return

• In the wake of Michael Jackson's death, an old Ebony article is making the rounds in which the magazine projects (from the distant past of 1985) what several black celebrities might look like in the year 2000. No qualms here with being so far off on their MJ projection; who could've known he would use surgery to look like an alien banshee with occasional stubble? What I take issue with is the apparent belief by the editors of Ebony in the lasting stranglehold skinny ties, pastels and jherri curl would have on our society.
  


• After reading this, I had two distinct thoughts. First, I hope everyone at the party is okay and that the thugs get everything they deserve and more. Second, the fact that a city cop and a transit worker can afford to spend $50,000 on a Sweet Sixteen party may help explain New York's budget woes.
  


• I knew this story wasn't about a pit bull as soon as I saw the headline. I can't recall the last time I saw a dog attack story name the breed in the headline unless it was a pit.
  


• Donna looked for a Tetris game for her DS forever before finding one used on Amazon. Here is a free take on that game. The best part is that you've tied the high score just by clicking on the link.
  


• I should've known it was too good to be true. After it was announced that Futurama was coming back, I rejoiced. Now it looks like, in a cost-cutting move, Fox is going to replace the original cast. Way to suck, Fox.

Happy Anniversary Apollo 11, The Amish Suffer From Outsourcing, and More

• Add Maryland to the list of states I have no interest in living in.



• This is so me. Not so much because of the cost of keeping up with the latest hardware. I just can't stomach paying $60 for the software.



• Seriously: if you want a dog, go to a shelter. There are literally millions of dogs that would gladly trade undying loyalty for a home. Puppy mills are a disgrace. I also find it interesting that many of these mills in the northeast are, according to the article, run by the Amish. Amish, who (also according to the article) are complaining about foreigners taking their jobs. Wait, what?



• Happy anniversary, Apollo 11! Wow. It's been 40 years since man first walked on the moon. Look at all we've accomplished since then. Or better yet, don't. Makes it easier to preserve the warm feeling.



• If someone sends you this picture in an email, and you're wondering if it's real, it is.



• Hey! I made it through the whole thing without mentioning the word politics. Wait. Crap.

Insert Clever 'Random' Title Here

I was too tired last night to put together a post covering the 4th of July activities in Harding and points south so look for that tomorrow, or maybe tonight if I can get the lawn mowed early enough. Suffice to say you can look forward to pictures of parades, picnics and me ruling the gridiron. I still have the Prime Time gene.

In the meantime, here's some stuff that has nothing to do with the preceding paragraph:

* Remember when playing golf was a terrible thing for a President to do? Now, it apparently displays "calm confidence". Personally, I don't care if the President plays golf a few times a week. One needs a break of the hardest job on the planet. Clinton didn't have an outlet; he spent all his free time at McDonalds and look what happened to him. Reagan spent all his free time wrestling communists and punching union bosses. I can't find the link, but I think Eisenhower was into puppetry. You need an outlet. I just wish the coverage didn't depend on party affiliation.

* Remember in the movie Tombstone when Kurt Russell brought down all kinds of wrath on the Cowboys, the rowdy lawbreakers led by Powers Boothe? Russell (as Wyatt Earp) declared, "I see a red sash, I kill the man wearing it!", referring to the accessory the Cowboys wore to announce to the world, "hey, I'm a Cowboy and red is the new black". That was awesome, right? Would anyone seriously have a problem if America made the same sort of declaration about the Taliban? Shouldn't every country that claims to care about the rule of law sign off on that?

* Considering I have the word "poker" right up there in the banner, I sure don't talk about poker much do I? Well, here's a list of the most ridiculous poker hands in the movies. Some are ridiculous because of the statistical improbability involved (Casino Royale, The Sting) and some are just funny (Oceans' 11, Stripes). I've played in games like the one Brad Pitt oversees. They're not as fun as you might think.

* Inner workings of blogdom dept.: Here are the top ten searches that return links to my blog in the results:

• Pocket Jacks (makes sense to me)
• myconids
• bifida regularis
• pvc bazooka
• bottle rocket bazooka
• back pocket bottle rocket (I'm sensing a trend)
• 16 horsepower, folklore
• alien nazi transvestite republican stripper furries

Just kidding about that last one. Or am I?

Randomly Funny (Kind Of Like The Simpsons Has Become)

* Wil Wheaton played the unrepentantly whiny Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation. As shudder-inducing as Wesley was however, Mr. Wheaton is a prolific writer and a funny guy, especially when reminiscing about his days on the Enterprise D. Even if you never saw the show, his plot synopses are worth the time to read while enjoying the twenty minute lunch hour you are allotted at your dead-end, internet-capable job.

* Unions are inherently funny once you learn to ignore the bloated costs to the consumer involved in union labor. Take this bit from an article describing an impending strike of BART workers in California:

"They point to rules requiring that two workers remove seat covers and backing for cleaning. A utility worker unsnaps the cushion. A journeyman mechanic is called in to remove two screws for the seat backing."

* If you haven't seen this video of Josh Womack doing that crazy bat swing, look at it now. The first time I saw it I thought it was a fake, but it appears to be the real deal.

* A year or so ago there was a lot of handwringing over the mysterious legless frogs. There were a lot of them turning up in Minnesota and ecologists and other scientists began investigating. Of course at the time global warming was blamed, along with evil corporations dumping chemical waste. It turns out that Occam's razor is still sharp. Bonus funny: I had to go to a U.K. news site to find a link to this story.

* Okay, I tried to keep politics out of this but I failed. It's just that I find this funny. Funny in the laugh-or-I-might-just-cry sort of way. In short, Barney Frank wants Fannie and Freddie to loosen their lending standards because currently they're too harsh and people might not buy in new developments. Now, for a dash of existentialism (pretension?): do I find this funny because I still have housing bubble residue on my clothes or because there are still people out there that, after reading the linked article, will still vote for this guy because he has a -(D) after his name?

Random Stuff

* The word "Facsism" has gotten thrown around a lot in this country the last several years, usually applied to actions by Bush, but increasingly aimed at Obama's forays into nationalization. You want to know when America has really become a fascist state? The day her armed forces "reorient[s] its mission from meeting external threats to suppressing internal threats". We're a long way from fascism and have not been close under either Bush or Obama...

* ...Although it is tough to watch major news networks tripping over themselves to pay tribute to a favored public figure.

* How many times does this sort of thing have to happen before people realize that more taxes doesn't always mean more revenue? Heck, it usually means less (via Say Anything).

* If you didn't see this story about the Minnesota softball coach who threw sportsmanship out the window when I posted it on Facebook, here it is again.

* To paraphrase Eric Cartman: ha ha ha ha haaa ha -- I'm going cammmping and you're naa-ott.

Random rnd = new Random();

• I went from having no camping trips lined up this summer to cementing plans for two trips in one day (one in two weeks and one at the end July). I've been wanting to try out the new tent we bought last fall (on clearance). It's roughly the size of the first Death Star, so that'll be good.


• President Obama isn't crazy enough to plan something like this, is he?


• As someone who hoped as a child that I could buy a corellian freighter when I grew up, I think this a bad idea.


• We're celebrating Macy's birthday tonight with our annual dinner and trip to Thunder Road (for mini-golf, go-kart racing and bumper cars). Pics tomorrow.


• I'm really glad I don't have a job where I'm required to reassure the Chinese about America's commitment to reducing deficits. I only like to hear laughter when I'm trying to be funny.


• It's weird (in a good way): I hate yard work, but now that we've completed two big projects, I can't wait to get out there and finish the job.

Gimme Back My Bullets

• This is one of the most disturbing things I've ever read. Any enemy capable of such things is capable of anything.


• Cool story about the 1982 Atlanta Braves playing an exhibition during the season against some minor league all-stars and how mother nature conspired against the small town host. This sort of game doesn't happen any more, but probably should.


• I'm used to stories about various crisis being presented as though they have little impact on men (tornadoes strike Alabama -- women and minorities hit hardest!), but this is kind of ridiculous. It seems that while a man might actually have prostate cancer, it's the woman who is most affected, what with the worrying and the stress of being partnered with a guy who has, uh, cancer. Poor woman.


• On the one hand, I think the Democrats hiring a speed reader -- in response to a Republican attempt to delay voting by requesting the entire text be read out loud -- is funny and clever. Then I realize that Congress didn't read the stimulus bills at any speed before voting on them.

Bullets Over Broadway

• Two thoughts I had while reading this article: (1) I think this guy might have gotten into the wrong business (economics writer) and (2) I am so glad I am dating someone who knows "where money comes from and where it goes".

• I don't care that various media sport a bias. I expect it. Newspapers, magazines, news programs and blogs are made up ultimately of people, and all people have their biases. I just wish most were more upfront about it and didn't hide behind claims of "fair and balanced" or "objective reporting" while infusing everything they produce with said bias.

• Oops. A campaign promise seems to be circling the drain. Wasn't Guantanamo a hellhole that had to be shut down to begin restoring American prestiege? A place full of political prisoners who were being unjustly denied basic human rights while being tortured? Now it is a apparently a place full of terrorists that no state wants to house. Weird.

• Who wants to go camping this summer? Seriously. I've got a tent that can sleep a small army I want to break in. Anybody up for it?

#1 With A Bullet

* What happens when some hippies try to sail across the sea on a boat made of idealism (and some plastic) to decry carbon emissions, only to be rescued by an oil tanker when the weather turns to crap? Duh: I laugh.

* You can totally trust the government to run your healthcare, your companies and your life. They totally have their crap together. Everything's going to be great.

* Playboy has seen its profits drop yet again, this time suffering a decline of $13.7 million for the first quarter of 2009. In a world of easy access to every kind of debauchery from fetish porn to cats eating cheeseburgers and cracking wise, is there a place for big glossy magazines full of airbrushed pictures of surgically enhanced nekkid women? Throw in dubious commentary on the arts and politics and consider me skeptical.

* The economy is in a recession. The government is looking for new taxes to pay for, well, everything. Ordinary Americans are looking for ways to cut expenses and weather the storm. Times are tough for the dedicated men and women in our government, who are working night and day to solve this crisis. What haven't they tried? I know: giant fundraiser in Vegas!

I See Your Bullet Point

* Don't read this if you want to believe the torture issue comes down to valiant democrats fighting against evil republicans and overzealous CIA agents.

* Tucked into this piece in the London Telegraph about Michael Caine's plans to move to America if Britain raises his taxes any higher (careful, Sir Michael -- you might not like what's happening over here any better) is this nugget:

"...current education secretary, Ed Balls, who is also Gordon Brown's chosen successor."

Please, please, please lord, let the next prime minister of Britain be named 'Balls'.

* Staying with the U.K. theme, read this article about British dental care. It's run by the governement and works about like you'd expect it to. Go to the New System, New Problems subheader to get an idea of how government control turns what should be a simple price structure into a ridiculous nightmare that does exactly the opposite of what is intended. And if you think our government wouldn't make this much of a mess, I have two words for you: Post Office. Here's another: Amtrak. Here's ten more: every instance of government trying to run a business ever.

* Robert Gibbs gives the White House press corps a "strong A" for its coverage of the first 100 days of the Obama administration. See, to me that means the press corps isn't doing its job....

Ramble On

* One year ago I drank beer only when I left my flask in my other pants. Now I love beer and try new ones all the time. I'm even in one of those stupid beer clubs at a Chili's rip-off here in Fargo. What the hell?

* I seriously need to get back to Las Vegas sometime this year, preferably the fall. Anybody up for that?

* I believe that the federal government should be smaller rather than larger. I believe that many questions that cause such divisiveness in our society should be answered at the state level. Abortion. Gun control. Drug legalization. Let the states deal with those issues. The federal government should stick to things like maintaining the military, regulating interstate commerce, etc. According to the Department of Homeland Security, what I just wrote may label me a rightwing extremist. I'm so glad Bush is gone and federal agencies are no longer politicized.

* I saw a report on Good Morning America that showed those new compact cars getting crushed into jagged paperweights when they hit larger cars. So let me get this straight: a smaller, lighter car that trades safety for fuel economy doesn't do so well when it gets hit by one of those big sedans that have uppper/lower/side/front/back air bags and more crumple zones than the Titanic had hulls? Amazing. I have a message for the "scientists" that carried out these tests: F=M*A. Look it up. (hint: the "M" is the important one here.)

* The cost to take my family of four to the ball park, get tickets, park, eat, have a beer or two: $196.89. The cost to watch the game on TV (free), park (free), eat ($8.99: thanks, Papa Murphy's!) and have a beer or two (Dos Equis: $7.99 a sixer): $16.98. Not to mention I don't have to risk getting turned into road butter when my puny compact gets hit head on by a Cavalier.

Sweating Bullet Points

* Well, looks like Macy won't be going to Penn State. As a veteran, I may be a homocidal maniac but i'm not illiterate (link via Say Anything).

* Will Donna buy my story that international terrorists broke into the house and stole her Kindle, but that one of them accidentally left his behind, which is why I now have one and she doesn't?

* If I don't feed the fish before hitting the road this weekend, am I committing fish genocide, or performing an experiment in the Darwinian practices of fishkind? If none of them die, does that prove (or at least support the case for) the existence of God? If so, can I blame God (and exonerate myself) if some of them do die?

* Is the Easter Bunny more like (a) a giant form of the cuddly bunnies kids get their pictures taken with, (b) the harried (and drug-addled, if Grace Slick is to be believed) White Rabbit in Alice and Wonderland, or (c) the dead-eyed psychobunny in Donnie Darko (pictured)? My heart says (a). My head says (b) makes more sense, since that rabbit showed the manual dexterity to operate a pocket watch, which would come in handy for hiding eggs. (c) would be way more fun though.

* I saw a guy with a perfect square cut into his hair. It was about 2" x 2". I have no idea what happened. Logic says a haircut accident, but it's too perfect. I think he's a cyborg.

* A University of Minnesota "Iran expert" says charging a former Fargo journalist with espionage is "likely a political ploy" by the Iranian government. Gee, ya think?

* Marketing products in other countries is always a delicate proposition, what with the translating and all. I have to wonder though, did Kim Jong Il know what he was doing when he announced to the world that his country was launching a new rocket, dubbed the Dong 2?

This Things I Believe

• Hey, Travis Henry get a vasectomy, for God's sake.


• I can't stop listening to this song.


• This is the first Monday I haven't had Macy with me in a long, long time. I hope I remember to feed her mice tonight. We usually do it together on Mondays.


• I'm really looking forward to turning all this snow into water by the end of the week.


• Crap, my hair is getting long.


• I love the word asinine, as in, "this post is asinine".


• A shiny new nothing to the first person to identify from whose album I stole the title of this post.