It's Hard Being Right All The Time

After the Fort Hood shooting, I wrote the following:

The other thing I'd mention is this: I am expecting to see stories in the next few days painting this incident as a case for gun control. After all, the expected narrative goes, if a base full of gun-toting professional soldiers can't stop a gunman, why should we expect a bunch of armed civilians to do so?

And verily, it did come to pass:

From the Brady Campaign:

“America has seen an epidemic of horrific gun violence at churches and synagogues, workplaces, health clubs, high schools, universities, police stations and now Army bases. This latest tragedy, at a heavily fortified army base, ought to convince more Americans to reject the argument that the solution to gun violence is to arm more people with more guns in more places. Enough is enough.”

Chicago mayor Richard Daley:

“Unfortunately, America loves Guns. We love guns to a point where that uh we see devastation on a daily basis. You don’t blame a group.”

There are others, but the gist is the same: we need more gun control. No, we don't.

Spot The Missing Sentence

Here are some recent news articles. Each one has a sentence missing. See if you can figure out what they are (answers at the end):

1. Prof Busted In Columbia Gal 'Punch'
2. St. Louis Protects SEIU
3. 'Pro-Gun' States Lead The Nation In Per Captia Firearm Death Rates
4. After The Wall Tumbled
5. Obama Pays Tribute To Fall Of Berlin Wall

Answers:

1. "This is being prosecuted as a hate crime."
2. "Charges against the attackers are pending."
3. "States with more guns have more incidents related to guns -- who woulda thunk it?"
4. "Most of those predicting dire futures for central Europe weren't happy when communism failed."
5. "The U.S. President wasn't present at the ceremonies as he was engaged in visiting Ft. Hood working on the N1H1 vaccine shortage winning governorships in New Jersey something else.

The Shooting At Fort Hood

By now you've heard about the shooting that took place at Fort Hood. An army major, apparently distraught about being shipped to Iraq, opened fire on the base, killing thirteen people and wounding thirty more.

I'm not going to comment on the alleged motives of the gunman or his religion; not enough is known at this point (and may never be; the suspect was shot four times and is on a ventilator). I will however, comment on a couple of things.

First, I watched an interview on Good Morning America this morning with the suspect's brother. This man described the suspect as the target of racial slurs and negative comments about Islam. I'm not saying the charges aren't true (I have no idea). I will say though, that as a major in the U.S. military, if anyone did make comments to him of that nature as anything other than good natured joking, the offender would be disciplined before the ink dried on the complaint. As someone who served in the United States Air Force, I can tell you there is little tolerance for that sort of thing. A complaint is enough to launch an investigation, and no soldier, airman, sailor or marine wants to be on the receiving end of that. I knew people who got into trouble at Grand Forks A.F.B. They didn't enjoy themselves.

To be fair, the offenses I observed ranged from drugs to improper relationships. I never saw any race baiting or religious bigotry. And yes, there were muslims in my squadron. That is not to say it never happened, but I certainly never saw it. The consequences were certainly something to be feared.

The suspect's brother went on to say that in the face of this alleged harrassment, the suspect did everything he could to smooth things over and make peace. I'm sorry, but peaceful men don't go on shooting sprees.

The other thing I'd mention is this: I am expecting to see stories in the next few days painting this incident as a case for gun control. After all, the expected narrative goes, if a base full of gun-toting professional soldiers can't stop a gunman, why should we expect a bunch of armed civilians to do so?

The problem with this argument is that military bases are some of the strictest gun control zones in the world. Soliders don't, as part of their uniform, march around with weapons. Access to weapons is strictly controlled. Even parades normally consist of marching rows of soldiers carrying unloaded weapons.

Private ownership of weapons is also controlled. In my Air Force service, airmen were not allowed to keep weapons in the dorms. Even base housing had restrictions. Generally, personal weapons were to be stored at the base armory and could be checked out for use (target shooting, hunting, etc.). Guns were not to be kept for personal protection in homes on base. Note that my service ended over twelve years ago, so things may be different in Texas in 2009, but I don't believe so.

The only exception to this generally is military police officers. Those are the soldiers who responded and took down the suspect. If you start reading articles trying to tie this incident with gun control, please keep in mind that most reporters know next to nothing about how military bases are run and less about guns.

Trying My Hand At The Advice Game

Emily Yoffe has a weekly advice column at Slate in which she dispenses grammatically correct advice to the sort of people who can't talk to their spouse/friends/family about their problems but have no problem asking a complete stranger writing under a pseudonym. I wondered if that's maybe a game I could get into. Below are some abridged versions of questions with my answer. Compare them to the original and see how I did:

London, U.K.: A very dear friend of mine...has dabbled in cross-dressing, sexual relationships with other men, and has even experimented a bit with female hormones. Should I tell the fiancé?

Yes.

The Bedroom, USA: I am in a loving relationship with a woman and we're going on two years. My only issue is that our libidos don't match. She is fine having sex once a week while my ideal would be everyday, once, twice and maybe three times. What can I do to help us figure this out?

You didn't say anything about losing your hands in a farm accident, so it seems to me you should get used to shaking hands with yourself once or twice a day. You think it's going to get better once you're married? Once a week? Good luck with that.

Mobile, Ala.: Recently my children (ages 4 and 2) have been invited to birthday parties for their friends. The Birthday child never opens their gifts at the party anymore. Has this become a common occurrence among parents to not let their kid open the presents at their birthday parties?

This happened about the same time that parents thought it was mandatory to throw Felliniesque extravaganzas at places like Chuck-E-Cheese everytime their toddler makes it through another year without choking on a Lego. The next time the gifts remain unopened just yell, "hope you enjoy the dick-in-a-box!" as you walk out the door. You'll never have to worry about being offended again.

Lillington, N.C.: My husband's mother has recently moved to the same town as us. Last weekend, she requested my children to come to her house and visit for a few hours. The next morning, I was getting my 6-year-old ready for church and talking about her visit yesterday. She said she didn't like being spanked by everybody there.

I told [the grandmother] I am not comfortable with her disciplining my kids and had not given her permission. She then told me I was out of line and that she was the grandmother. I am unsure how to deal with this situation and starting to worry about the family I've married into.

Your husband's mother comes from a different time, one in which the elder matriarch wielded much power in the familial unit. Calmly explain to her that since the advent of electricity, old people should be seen and not heard, lest their social security payments be reduced. If this doesn't convince her, punch her in the tit.

Columbus, Ohio: [M]y sister's husband just published a book and immediately gave me a copy to read. As I read the book, I realized that it's one of the worst books I've ever read! It's a book where the author is trying to use every word known to man to sound more credible, but instead comes off sounding like a buffoon!

My problem is this: my sister and her husband now want me to write some reviews! What's the best way to approach this?

Simple. Right a review from the point of view of the author. I'll get you started:

"As a digester of literature, it is rare that I get the chance to masticate words as eloquently cromulent as contained in this cornucopia of smartness. Truly the masterwork of a braniac of another world, this tome stands as a monument to percipacity of idiom and awesomacity pores from every pour."

California Announces New Reverse Loan Program

Cash-strapped California has announced a new program by which citizens get the privilege of making an interest-free loan to the state equivalent to 10% of their current tax withholding. Gosh I wish I lived in a state that unilaterally gave itself the power to use your paycheck as a personal savings and loan.

As for the idea that citizens will be "repaid any extra withholding in April", I wouldn't hold my breath; this is the state that was issuing IOU's for tax return overages last April.

Happy, Happy Halloween

The weather didn't cooperate on Friday so we skipped the Haunted Farm this year. It rained in the morning, snowed in the afternoon and turned cold and windy at night. Oh well. Instead, Donna and I got dressed up and headed to a local watering hole to have a drink and dinner with friends. We got several compliments on our get-up, which can be summed up shortly as "zombie parents" and can be described more thoroughly with this (click to enlarge):





















We met up with friends Kelly and Debbie, who proved to be more in tune with current macabre celebrity news than Donna and myself:















After a couple of beers and a couple hundred compliments on our hilarous takes on both dead celebrities and the zombie mythos, we headed out to a halloween party in Moorhead that involved this:



I stupidly left my camera in the truck when we first went in, so there is no video record of Debbie doing "Thriller", but perhaps that is for the best. No mere .avi file could possibly capture the magic.

Halloween Music

Here's some music to get you in the mood for the second scariest holiday of the year (after Arbor Day):

Rest In Peace, Warren.


Not really Halloween in content, but what the heck.


Scary for all the wrong reasons.


The title says it all.


Terrible video, 80's style. On the upside, the song has been cut from its original thirteen minute run time: