Margarita Blogging the NFC Playoffs: 2013 Edition

As threatened promised, I am going to liveblog the playoff game between the Falcons and Seahawks. As has been the case the last few seasons, the Falcons are in the position of both having no chance against their opponent and being labelled chokers when they are upset.

I often think that the life of a sports journalist must be one of the easiest vocations in the world. You get to say contradictory things and rewrite history at a whim. For example, when talking about the 2012 edition of the Atlanta Falcons, nearly every sports pundit outside of Jimmy Johnson (and he's probably just hopped up on Cialis or whatever) spent nearly each week applying the following formula:

1. Declaring  that the Falcons are finally going to be tested against an opponent, giving them their chance to legitimize their lofty record.

2. Picking Atlanta to lose.

3. Deciding that--after Atlanta beat them handlily--the opponent isn't really that great.

4. Proposing to Peyton Manning.

This was the pattern against San Diego (and it turns out the Chargers had just decided to suck all season instead of just the first half), Denver, Philadelphia (Andy Reid cannot be defeated after a bye week!), Tampa Bay, New Orleans, and the Giants. Atlanta killed all of those teams (including Denver--seriously, they dominated that game top to bottom except for a nine minute stretch across the 3rd and 4th quarters). The Giants game was so bad that everyone retroactively declared that New York had always been at war with Oceania.

So, I fully  expect that either Atlanta will win today, at which point sports pundits all over the globe will claim that Seattle never had a football team at all or Seattle will win and the Falcons will become "chokers" again for being upset by a team that is universally acclaimed as better in every phase of the game.

Either way I will be drunk on margaritas.

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11:42: I just had text conversation with my brother:

Him: here we go.
Me: i'm already drinking and blogging.
Him: i've been drinking since 11:00. tough matchup for us but i have faith.
Me: if we had faith we wouldn't need to drink.


11:51: Nervously reminding Donna that she has five minutes to finish up whatever quest she is on in Skyrim.


11:55: My first "offical" sip of margarita.


11:57: I just came up with a positive in Atlant's favor: Keith Brooking doesn't play for us anymore.


11:58: Brian Billick just said that Pete Carroll knows that Atlanta is 13-7 in the Georgia Dome over the last five seasons. I'm not positive but I don't think that's correct.


12:00: Completely forgot that they show the national anthem part of games in the playoffs. Not a bad rendition... short and to the point. Mike Smith looks constipated.


12:04: Same feeling I always have before a playoff game kickoff... Hope slipping away.


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1st Quarter
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12:06: I see the Seahwks brought in an ex-Packer to kick. We're doomed.


12:07: Okay, Turner. You're only good for 40 yards a game. Don't use em all up at once.


12:07: That's better.


12:11: Roddy White just tied the Atlanta postseason record for career receptions with 23. how sad. I mean, good job.


12:13: We have already scored more points than we did in the 2011 playoffs. Baby steps. Nice play on that end zone pass on 3rd down by whatshisname.


12:15: Now we get to see if Mike Nolan has really been saving his crazy shifting defenses for the playoffs, or if he has contracted Brian Van Gorder Disease, in which you hallucinate that your vanilla 4-3 defense is doing really well. It also makes you go into prevent mode any time you have more than a 1 point lead in the second half.


12:19: And the answer on the first drive is: crazy shifting defense. I like that they do that on purpose, unlike previous years where they genuinely didn't know what to do.


12:21: Football 101: It's where the ball goes out of bounds on a punt, not where it lands. Okay, we got 3-and-out and we got great field position. Clearly we need to put the pedal to the metal. If we don't get a touchdown here we will lose this game. I'm completely serious.


12:25: And we're done. What the hell was that?


12:27: And upon further review Tony Gonzales stopped running. Not Ryan's fault, but why do these thing always seem to happen to us?


12:29: That exact play worked against the Saints. Let the back go untouched through the line, pick up ten yards and then, just as he's thinking, "wow, Atlanta really can't play the run", poke it out of his arm. That's coaching, people.


12:35: Apparently Julio Jones is wearing a Seahawks backpack to this game.


12:37: Some guy named Coffman just made a ridiculous catch at the goalline. I follow the Falcons religiously and I've never heard of this  guy.


12:38: And on the next play Tony Gonzales makes up for it with an acrobatic touchdown catch. Keep it up kid and someday you could grow up to be Kevin Coffman.


12:40: Matt Bryant has eaten his Wheaties today.


12:45: And now Dominique Franks has infected Harry Douglas. CATCH THE PUNT


12:47: Jaquizz Rodgers just ran through a safety, who is now dead. Add another 40+ yards onto it. Apparently Marshawn Lynch made a mistake publishing the beast mode codes on his Twitter feed. Good TV timeout to give the grounds crew time to bury that safety.


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2nd Quarter
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12:50: I like that they're taking shots downfield, but at some point White or Jones need to make a play.


12:56: Donna asked me how to spell "Jacquizz".


12:57: The entire line stood up at the same time. I'm going to blame that false start on the center.


1:00: Those "labels out" commercials kill me. It's like they don't realize that their team would already be up by four touchdowns if they weren't drinking Bud Light.


1:03: Seriously, Nolan needs to dial up some pressure on Wilson, knock him on his ass some. He's got way too much time to stand there looking posteresque.


1:06: Here's your chance to completely kill them. 4th down.


1:06: Sweet merciful crap. Weird that they ran it up the middle on 3rd and 4th and Lynch didn't get to touch it. Using your main back as a decoy is a sign of desperation, Pete Carroll. You do realize you're playing the Falcons? In the playoffs?


1:11: Finally, White makes a big play. 47-yard bomb. Now, I know you like to talk but refrain. No, I guess you can't do that can you. The game ain't over.


1:15: It looks like Burger King has given up. "We've tried chicken fingers, chicken tenders, and chicken fries. Screw it. Here's some chicken NUGGETS."


1:17: Don't go vanilla on defense now.


1:19: DON'T GO VANILLA ON DEFENSE NOW.


1:20: I'm a little ashamed to admit that the first time I ever saw the 49'ers commercial where some guy is giving the pep talk to the team, I didn't realize that wasn't the real coach until Harbaugh showed up. Then I was like, "oh yeah, Jim Harbaugh is the coach of the 49er's." Not meant as a slight, I just completely forgot.


1:23: Vanilla, vanilla vanilla. When they do this I always assume that Mike Smith has made a call to tell Nolan what defense to call.


1:25: We dominate the whole game on defense, then go into this prevent crap. Damn you, Mike Smith. Damn you. Wanna bet that regardless of the score at halftime, we come out vanilla on defense in the second half?


1:28: I know I'm harping, but see, Mike Smith, what happens when you take a defense that is attacking, attacking, attacking and tell them to play off? They get confused.


1:30: 3rd down. Go after him.


1:30: See what happens when you attack on defense? Please learn this lesson before the second half Mike Smith. Let it sink in. See you after halftime.


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3rd Quarter
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1:44 Ah, the second half kickoff. Or as I like to call it, the calm before the Falcons blow a 20-point lead.


1:45 Brian Billick just claimed that the kids in the Punt Pass and Kick competition were better than the quarterbacks he had in Baltimore. Take that whoever use to quarterback the Ravens.


1:48: If you took that bet about the defense coming out vanilla, you owe. Pay up.


1:50: Okay, I guess rrreeeaaaalllllyyyy slow pressure is better than none.


1:52: No on on Seattle can catch the ball except Zach Miller. Let's not cover him. It's like Keith Brooking does still play in Atlanta.


1:52: Step one of Operation Blow 20-Point Lead: complete.


1:56: Now, for those of you who don't normally pay attention to the Falcons, this is where Mike Smith decides the time is right to run Turner up the middle over and over until we're 3-and-outed a few times and let the other team catch up.


2:01: And that's why Harry Douglas isn't a top-2 receiver on a team.


2:04: Tony Gonazales is a bad, bad man. I heard he used to be one of those circus guys who would take cannonballs in the gut. He got fired because he kept catching them.


2:07: That little shovel pass to Snelling is like finding a beer in the fridge back behind some lettuce; you forget it's there and then you look down in the playbook and go, "hey, a beer. I mean, that Snelling play!"


2:11: A 7+ minute 80-something yard drive that didn't end in a turnover or a field goal. We must get one of those a year, like a "you won 2nd place in a beauty contest" card. That was probably a pretty good place to use it.


2:13: Is Seattle's offensive line this good? We cannot get any pressure. We haven't even knocked him down much. Just once then need a safety blitz to blindside him and make him think about it. Or, you know, just keep not covering Zach Miller. Jesus.


2:15: Is it me or is this game going really fast? I mean, that's good and all for the Falcons at this point, but I've barely had drunk to get time.



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4th Quarter
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2:17: Really? I mean, it'd be cool as all hell if Macy was in the PP&K contest, but is the start of the 4th quarter really the time? I'd be all, "hey Macy, tell Chris Myers to hurry up. And bring me a beer on the way back." No really, those kids are great.


2:20: Apparently I'm not the only one drinking during the game. I'm seeing two of you, Brian Billick.


2:26: This is the drive that decides the game. The Falcons take 5 or 6 minutes off the clock and get anything, even a field goal, and I'll start to believe that it's possible they can win. Otherwise, I'm not stupid. I can recogize the universe maneuvering to rip my heart out when I see it.


2:28: If Michael Turner was "3 yards and a cloud of turf, if you will", we'd be okay with that. It's usually "0 yards and a thrown clipboard".


2:30: And here we go. Ryan just seems to have this blind spot some times, especially in the playoffs. I don't know what it is. Douglas looked wide open out of the snap for a short gain. Instead, let's throw it deep into double coverage. The really bad news is that this is the last pass Ryan will throw until we are losing with 1:30 to go. Mike Smith just called Dirk Koetter and said, "i want nothing but runs from here on out."


2:33: It's over. The Falcons could blow a 48 nothing lead in the 4th quarter. We are cursed, it seems.


2:34: Oh, hey look, there's still nobody responsible for covering Zach Miller.


2:38: Ryan's got the look. And by "the look", I mean he knows it's over.


2:40: Best play here is to throw it deep and let it get intercepted again.


2:41: I predict the final score will be 42-27, Seattle. Yes, I know there is only 7:00
minutes left.


2:43: I've always defended Matt Ryan against people who said he didn't have a strong arm or couldn't handle pressure. But I think this may be the game to end all that. He looks right now like he's petrified. You'd think with all the regular season comebacks he's had he'd be over it, but it seems like he can't handle playoff pressure.


2:45: 3rd and 10, pivotal point of the game. Seattle gets this first down. Book it.


2:46: Mike Smith apparently didn't get to poop at halftime either.


2:48: One thing I've always wondered about this whole player safety thing... why is it up to the league to be 100% responsible. There's a player's association. Couldn't all the teams get together and say, "no more chop blocks"?


2:50: I think Matt Ryan just peed a little.


2:52 Sorry, Atlanta. If NFL games were 48 minutes you'd be good enough.


2:53: I swear I just heard Mike Smith say, "let's let em get down the field then try to hold them to a field goal."


2:54: I'm not actually watching the game anymore. I mean, it's still on the TV and I can hear it, but I'm not watching it.


2:55: 2 minute warning. This is where Russell Wilson magically becomes Joe Montana, Brett Favre (without all the killer interceptions) and Tom Brady all rolled into one. It's only fair; this is Seattle's first chance to add to the Falcon's playoff woes, so they should probably do it in the most gut-wrenching way possible. Seriously: last year during the 24-2 Giants debacle I got tons of projects done. By halftime I had forgotten the Falcons even made the playoffs.


2:56: Brian Billick keeps saying "intermediate area". You know, if anyone on the Falcons staff would just turn on a TV they could probably make a killer defensive adjustment.


3:03: I may have to just stop watching the NFL. I'm not kidding. It's really takes a lot out of you to care so much about a team then watch them suck year after year. I've already taken this step with the Braves. I pay attention to them, but when they make the playoffs I only sort of pay attention. When they lose, I'm like, "eh." The Falcons for some reason I get excited about. This I think is the killer. Screw 'em. I'm going to go get really drunk and then wait for rugby season or something.


3:10: This changes nothing.

One Week

So, MJ has increased her extracurricular activity load from "Soccer" to "Orchestra, Ice Skating, and Volleyball" in the last few months. Did I mention that soccer is starting again soon?

First she performed with her 5th grade orchestra at Moorhead High School last Thursday.








Then, she had a three-night run of her ice show entitled "The Best of Times" which may or may not have been sponsored by Best of Times Photography. She was a "50's" girl. It was her first ever ice show but she did great.



This weekend I'll be shooting some video and photos of her volleyball tournament in Lake Park, Minnesota.

Happy Birthday, Greatest Basebrawl In History!

When I was a kid I got to watch the Atlanta Braves on WTBS in Atlanta (you know it now as basic cable channel TBS, home of Seinfeld reruns and The George Lopez Show. Very Funny indeed). On this date in 1984, I saw the Braves play a game against the San Diego Padres. Pascual Perez was the pitcher for Atlanta, and he was, in a word, hot-headed. Another word might be crazy. He once missed a start because he got lost on the way to the stadium and drove the I-285 conntector around Atlanta for hours.

I don't know if it was the August heat or the offensive dog poop-brown Padre uniforms, but Perez' first pitch of the game nailed the batter right in the back. This set off the first of about 42 serious confrontations, mostly involving the Padres' attempts to hit Perez when he came to bat. There were three major fights, one of which involved Braves 3rd baseman Bob Horner and two fans(!) tackling a Padre who tried to rush the dugout to get at Perez. By the time it was over, 13 players and coaches were ejected and five fans were arrested.

Atlanta fans are accused of being too laid back and quiet. It was not always thus.

Blogging The NFL Playoffs: Falcons Vs. Packers, The Second Half

Keys to the second half:

1.  Matt Ryan needs to stop sucking.
2.  Brian van Gorder needs to stop sucking.
3.  Green Bay needs to start sucking.

9:03  The Falcons have the greatest first- and second-down defense in the history of the NFL.  They also have the worst third-down defense in the history of the NFL.  Seriously, I've read magazines that could stop a football team better.

9:07  35-14.  I should have known not to get my hopes up this weekend.

9:12  Fox just ran a House promo.  Candice Bergen's still alive.  Huh.

9:15  Long pass to Jenkins.  It's being reviewed.  I have a 100% real and totally not fake trillion dollar bill that says this catch gets overturned.

9:18  Okay, I'll put up that same 100% real and totally not fake trillion dollar bill that the review official were too busy comparing Aaron Rodgers autographed jock straps to actually look at the play.

9:20  Now Koenen shanks a punt.  Bad things that haven't happened to the Falcons yet: Abraham's leg comes off at the knee.  Mike Smith develops vertigo.  The Dome collapses.

9:24  The Falcons have quit in this game.  It's official.

9:31 Tony Gonzales gets his first catch of the night.  And his first injury.  What exactly is that Atlanta did to piss God off?

9:35  Oh look, we're down 42-14.  Maybe we should start running out of the no huddle.  Now that it's the fourth quarter I mean.  When we're losing by 28 points.  When running our usual run it up the middle on first and second down offense hasn't done jack crap all night.  Yeah, we should definitely start running that now.

9:38  I think Mike McCarthy is going to send that fifteen year old kid who won the Punt Pass and Kick competition in to finish this game off for Rodgers.

9:39  42-21. The Falcons offense shows up, finally.  You're a little late.  But at least my liquor cabinet is well stocked.  Apologies in advance for the inevitable decline in my typing skills as my blood becomes more saturated.

9:47  I honestly expected a bird that had somehow gotten into the Dome to fly into that 50-yard field goal try and deflect it between the uprights.  Is this the first thing that has gone wrong for the Packers tonight?

9:51  Ryan has shown none of the pocket presence he displayed all year long.  He isn't stepping up at all; instead he's just standing there, hoping against hope that someone gets open before he's decapitated.  I really like him, and I think a lot of his problems this year (when he's had them) has been due to the handcuffs put on him by Mike Smith's conservative offensive philosophy.  He's played like crap tonight though.

9:54  Ryan fumbles the snap.  That's it, I quit.  I'm going to watch Shadow of the Vampire on the DVR.  Maybe a real vampire will come and suck my blood.  The Falcons have already sucked out my will to live.

Blogging The NFL Playoffs: Falcons Vs. Packers, The First Half

So here we go again, Falcons playoff football.  See how I played it off like the Falcons are always in the playoffs?  Pretty cool, huh.  God, Atlanta, please don't blow this.  Everyone in the world is picking you to lose.

7:06  Enough with the banjo and the "it's the FALCONS VS THE PACKERS" lead in stuff. Just kick the ball off already.

7:11  Did they say this is the Zac Efron Band?  Isn't he the kid from High School Musical? Who knew he could sing. (Song continues...)  Oh wait, he can't.  Don't quit you day job, whatever that is.

7:15  Kickoff.  Okay, we didn't fumble.  My first wish came true.

7:23  Well, the Falcons game plan of getting into 3rd-and-eight-or-greater as often a possible is a success so far.  You can only convert so many of those, guys.

7:27  Color guy say, "the last time these teams played Atlanta predominately rushed three guys."  That is an utter lie.  The Falcons blitzed almost every play when the played in December.  I am now officially ignoring everything you say.

7:29  The first turnover comes courtesy of a heads-up play after the Falcons blow 3rd-and-13.  That's it, lull them into a false sense of security, then GET 'EM.

7:33  First 4th-and-inches of the game for the Falcons.  Go for it.  Seriously.  Go for it.

7:34  Nice.  If Ovie Mughelli had eaten one less cheeseburger this week he doesn't have the heft to get that.

7:36  Hey, Michael Turner, thanks for showing up.  When he wants to be a beast, he's a something from the Paleozoic.

7:53 "Maybe Jordy Nelson can be a hero for the Green Bay Packers."  Maybe someday you won't be a complete tool.  Seriously, just come out and say, "I really want Green Bay to win this game".  You'll lose your "objectivity" but at least you'll be honest.
7:56  Eric Weems, Pro-Bowler.

8:07  How many bratwursts did it take to buy off Chistopher Owens?
8:13  The DirecTV commericial where the superhero is too busy watching TV to notice that the city outside is turning into Detroit when the Pistons win a title is pretty good except for the fact that he's watching "Twilight".  Who is he, Effeminate Lad?

8:20  See, Matt Ryan, when you throw one like that it makes people question your arm strength.  Throw the damn ball.

8:23  Now John Abraham is limping.  Rub some dirt on it, John.  Fulton Kuykendall is the second best pass rusher on this team and he retired in 1985.

8:30  So, I'm not an NFL defensive coordinator, but if I saw Aaron Rodgers buying winter coats on eBay while scanning the secondary, it might occur to me that rushing three guys is never, ever going to work.  Eight-person zones are also about as useful as checking Georgia Bulldog  academic transcripts for A's.

8:33  Touchdown Packers.  Oh well, it was a fun year, I suppose.

8:39  FFS.   Bing it.

8:41  Breaking out the hard liquor now.

How To Get That NFL Head Coaching Job You've Always Wanted



Some Goo Gone will take that right off.

The NFL playoffs are underway, which means that the annual rite of Winter, known as the coaching carousel, is in full swing.  NFL head coaches for the league's lesser children get cast aside in favor of new blood starting with the playoffs because that is when the league's non-playoff teams can  grant their assistants permission to interview for the big chair.  Some coaches are fired mid-season and guys are hastily promoted and have a big sticker that says INTERIM plastered right in the middle of their foreheads.  But usually teams that do that are the ones that are the most dysfunctional and poorly-run.  And they certainly don't then promote those interim-bots to fulltime status.  Crap.  Am I inadvertently talking about the Vikings again?  I think I am.



Anyway, head coaching spots in the NFL are few in number, and thus, as you might expect, hard to get.  Normally, these coveted jobs go to people who fall into one of two categories:

1. Former coaches of other teams.  Also known as "retreads", these are people who were head coaches somewhere else and were fired at some point.  This usually works out about like you'd expect; they failed (at least) once before and got fired, so why would this time be any different.  Still, it works out once in a while.  But for every Bill Belichick there is one Dan Henning.  And one Dan Reeves.  And one Eric Mangini.  And one Mike Martz.  And one Dennis Green.  And, like, 37 Jim Mora Jrs.

2. Golden Boys.  These are either college coaches or NFL coordinators who are deemed ready for the big chair.  There has been  mixed success with this one.  Nick Saban, Speve Spurrier, Bobby Petrino, Mike Singletary, Lovie Smith; these guys all failed and either went back to college or joined other staffs with coordinator credentials.  Except Singletary; I have no idea what he's doing now.  Hopefully it doesn't involve dropping his pants.

With this in mind, you may be thinking it's just not possible for you, neither former coach nor golden boy, to land one of these prestigious jobs.  You would be wrong.  The trick is to nail the interview, and I am going to tell you how.

First, wear a coat and tie.  You won't be doing that while roaming the sidelines screaming things like, "watch the screen!" and "can't anybody on this mother$%@!#* team tackle!" but you want to display an air of class and sophistication that you can peel off like, well, like a suit once gameday comes.  Your buddies may admire your fashion sense, but a team owner is not going to be impressed with your authentic jersey/team branded sweatpants/team color Nikes/backwards team baseball cap ensemble.

Second, drop certain time-tested phrases into any conversation you have with your interviewers.  These include:

• "3-4 defense"
• "Team unity"
• "I want this to be a more disciplined football team."[*]
• "Process"
• "The only thing the prevent defense does is prevent winning."
• "fade route"
• "I'm not interested in bringing in Brett Favre for a tryout."
• "I think this team has the talent to be in the Superbowl in three years."
• "4-3 defense"
• "You win and lose a football game in the trenches."[**]

If you drop those nuggets of airy wisdom, your chance of landing the job go up, like, 438%.  Trust me.



Castle Grayskull will be mine!

 
Third, and this is big: never agree to work for Al Davis or Dan Snyder.  Seriously, walk away.  You're better off wherever you are now.

[*] Note: when referring to a football team, always refer to it as a football team.  Never just say team.  Everyone knows what you mean, but say it anyway.  It makes you sound like you know what you're talking about, like a television color man or Andy Reid.  Seriously.  No one in the business at any level ever says the word "team" without preceding it with the word "football" anymore.  Only losers do that.  Don't be a loser.



[**] Note: same thing goes for football game.

Scenes From The Ballyard

Tuesday night was Microsoft Night at the Redhawks.  Fargo-Moorhead hosts an independent Northern League team that is in the running for the championship pretty much every year.  Former Braves reliever Kerry Ligtenberg pitched in the Northern League before Atlanta signed him.  Legend has it he was once traded for a bag of baseballs and some bats (seriously).

Anyway, it had been awhile since I saw them play so I snagged three tickets and took my best girls out for a night of baseball.  It had rained on and off during the day, but by the time the game started things were looking pretty good.  This was the scene as we walked from the parking lot:

A sign of things to come for the Redhawks

We had some pretty awesome seats (though there aren't any bad ones; even the $1 bleacher seats are right on the field) right behind home plate.  First things first, though.  To the concession stand!

This is one way to enjoy a ballpark dog.

This is a better way.

There now.  All I need is a good beer and, oh right.  Independent league baseball.  Leinenkugel's it is!  Anyway, the weather held off for us and it cooled off considerably after the early rains.  The Redhawks would win the game 13-3 though we didn't see the end; it was almost 10:00 and some people had to work in the morning.  We did manage to squeeze in one last purchase from the stadium vendors before we left though.

Hope all your baby teeth have already come out.

Macy wants to take in another game, so I am going to try to accomodate her, though there are only about three weeks left in the season.  I think I can make it work though.  After all, how can you say no to this?

Let's Just Give Everybody A Vagina In The Middle Of Their Foreheads And Call It Good

When I was a wee lad growing up in Georgia, there were only two ways to participate in organized sports: baseball and football. No soccer. No lacrosse. Not even basketball. That sounds bad, but consider this: there were no options if you were a girl. Apparently, girls were supposed to be cheerleaders or play with dolls or bake mudpies with their EZ-Bake ovens or something.

The first year I played I was a tight end (shut up) for the Cataula Bulldogs. The team was comprised of about three real players and a bunch of kids who had no idea what they were doing. I was firmly in the latter group, and pretty far down the list at that. We were terrible. We finished the season 0-6 and scored one touchdown the entire year. We couldn't tackle, block, cover, throw the ball, run the ball, or successfully count change at the concession stand after the game.

Before each game ended we expected to lose. After each game we were humiliated. We sucked hard and we knew it. But each week a funny thing happened. After an hour or so we all forgot about the outcome of the game. We showed up at practice and worked hard. We looked forward to the games because they were fun. We'd show up at the field (no one ever missed a week, or at least it seemed that way) ready to play. We'd get killed. Lather, rinse, repeat.

After the season there was no talk of our crushed self esteem. We went on with our summer lives and dreaded the end of summer; for me the end meant no more expeditions into the woods behind my parents' house. Our parents made subtle jokes about our ineptitude on the gridiron or told us not to worry, but no thought was given to how we would grow up with diminished expectations or lacking the ability to succeed because our peewee league football team was outscoured infinity + 1 to 6 (we missed the extra point). Life went on.

A year passed, and we suited up again, this time as world-weary eleven-year-olds. A funny thing happened: we got good. I still don't know how; certainly, some of it can be attributed to having another year of physical growth. Some of the other teams in the league probably lost some good players to age. Personally, that was the year I developed the toughness to handle being bashed by kids in armor who were out to hurt me. The year before I had avoided as much contact as I could get away with. When I turned eleven I looked for it. I remember showing up at the first practice and having Keith Dozier (one of the few real players we had the previous year) run at me, shoulder down. I have no doubt he expected me to side step him or perhaps collapse to the ground in terror, soaking in a puddle of my own urine. Instead, I lowered my shoulder and ran towards him. We met in the middle and bounced off each other. It didn't hurt. Actually, it felt good. When the coach showed up the first thing Keith said to him was, "I think Jay's ready this year, coach". He was right.

That year our team went 6-0 and we gave up one touchdown all year. We had become some unstoppable killing machine that knocked quarterbacks out of games and made teams afraid to throw the ball. I was moved to center and had a great time pushing kids into the secondary so Keith could run off another 60-yard touchdown. Let's face it: winning is way more fun than losing.

The thing is though, losing has its place. It's good to encounter losing, because losing is something you're going to do when you get older. Hopefully not always, and if you work hard, you can "win" in the end (depending on your definition). But you're going to have days where things don't go right. Where you don't get the job you apply for, or the promotion, or the girl.

That's why I've always hated the way youth sports try to take away the possibilty of losing nowadays. Macy's soccer league doesn't keep score. There are no records. There are no statistics kept. The goal is supposed to be to make things fun, but we don't have to do that; the kids already think it's fun. No, the real goal, unstated but still there, is to make things equal. To make it so that no one ever loses. The problem is that when no one can ever lose, no one can ever win. Not officially, anyway. I've said many times before that Macy and the girls on the team I coach always know exactly what the score is. They know when they lose and when they win. They feel sad when the former and happy when the latter. But, like her dad so many years ago on The Worst PeeWee Football Team Of All Time, Macy gets over it in a hurry. She's always ready to play again. And when she loses in the future, when she doesn't get into her first choice of colleges or that totally cute hottie that looks just like the guy in Twilight: The New Class doesn't ask her to the prom, she won't be encountering it for the first time. It won't make it all better, but it will help whether she knows it or not.

Then, there's Canada, long time laughing stock of me personally as well as most right-thinking people. I thought that not keeping score or recording team records was enough wussification for a youth sports league. I should have known Canada could outdo the U.S. in the complete devaluing of sports. In at least one Canadian youth league, if a team gets ahead by more than five goals they automatically lose the game. I'm going to call this "playing by French rules" for obvious reasons. Yes, Canada has taken the idea of winning from a goal (see Bulldogs, Cataula) run past unimportant (see Youth Soccer Association, Moorhead) and proceeded straight to undesirable.

It just goes to show you that when things aren't going your way, laughter is the best medicine. And nobody dispenses laughter quite like Canada.

Brett Favre Just Screwing With Us Now

Brett Favre has spent the last few offseasons toying with prospective suitors -- first the Packers, then several teams that hoped to gain his services after he finally pissed off Green Bay's front office for the last time, and now the Vikings -- by playing coy about his intentions. Would he play? Would he retire? Both? That last sounds facetious, but he oscillated so much during these most recent offseasons, it seemed like he was trying to perform that seemingly impossible feat.

Apparently, the Man With The Golden Ego has tired of the will-he-or-won't-he game. Now he has moved on to seeing if he can make random, unaffiliated parties do his bidding. He told the Southern Mississippi baseball team he would play another season in the NFL if the Golden Eagles made the College World Series.

I don't know for sure if this is a ploy to make the Vikings look as inept as possible, or just a game Favre made up to pass the time, like a G-rated Saw. Either way, I look forward to statements from Favre in the future that ties his employment decision to random tasks.

• If Brad Childress can drink twelve cups of coffee in less than fifteen minutes, I'll come to training camp.
• If I can glue deer antlers to my helmet, I'll play this season for the league minimum salary.
• If the NFL institutes a no-using-your-hands rule for defenses, I'll cut my interceptions nearly in half.
• If Green Bay will erect a statue in my honor, I'll retire.

Must Be International Rules

See if you can spot the error:

(Click to enlarge)

For a hint, highlight below:

The Mets get all the breaks.

Vikings' Loss Falls On The Coaches

Sorry for the long hiatus; with the school closure yesterday I was home all day with Macy. Donna was working from home, and so was making use of our ethernet cable. Yes, there's only one. My computer setup at home is decidedly 20th century. That will change once we get into our new digs, hopefully this summer. For now though, work use trumps personal use.

Anyway, about that Vikings game. First off, ha ha. Brett Favre screwed up. I noted before the playoffs began that he hadn't had one of those games yet. You know the ones. The ones where he throws seventeen consecutive interceptions or does something else silly to lose the game. Well, that interception at the end of regulation was that kind of play.

But there was a bigger reason for the loss. Let's hearken back to the not-so-distant past, a time Randy Moss was a rookie and Michael Vick was kind to animals as far as anyone knew.

The 1998 NFC Championship game pitted the Vikings against my Atlanta Falcons. The dirty birds were looked upon as something of a fluke; despite being 14-2 (to Minnesota's 15-1), the Vikings were favored by (don't quote me on this) something like 30 points. The Twinkie Dome was death to visiting teams that year (it was later revealed that the stadium crew was using the sound system to amplify the crowd noise. Oh those classy Vikings). It was predicted that the Falcons' offense would scarcely be able to function in that environment.

A funny thing happened though. The Falcons executed their offense almost flawlessly. Using hand signals and silent counts, Atlanta had zero false start penalties. Their was little or no confusion as to the play, no frenzied motioning to players to get to the correct spot. No delay of game penalties. The Falcons seemed unfazed by the cacophony of Minnesota's artificially enhanced noise factory. Dan Reeves and his staff had practiced all week by using artificial crowd noise set to painful decibels to force the team to prepare. It worked. The Falcons upset the Vikings in overtime on a field goal (whoa - foreshadowing!) and went on to embarass themselves in the Superbowl behind Eugene "I've just got to have a hooker the night before the Superbowl" Robinson.

Flashforward to Sunday. The Vikings had all sorts of problems on offense. Players shifting from side to side, trying to get to the correct position for the play call. Forced timeouts as the playclock expired. False starts. The Vikings seemed unprepared for the noise, which was both ironic and shortsighted. How could Brad Childress and his coaches not have the team prepared for the noise?
Even more so than Brett Favre doing what Brett Favre does, this loss falls on the coaching staff of the Vikings.

Thanks, Joe

It's Baseball Hall of Fame voting time again, and CNNSI's Joe Posnanski is casting a vote for my all-time favorite player:

Here is my wild-card pick -- one that most people I know disagree with. I get that. Murphy's career numbers fall short. He burned out young -- he was excellent for about eight years and not especially good on either side of those eight years.

But, as I mentioned in the Don Mattingly section, I put together a list of the best players in baseball since 1970. And from 1980 through '87 -- that's four five-year periods -- Murphy was smack in the discussion as the best player in baseball. I'm not sure he ever was quite the best -- Mike Schmidt was awfully good -- but you could make a viable argument for him. He was, in his prime, a Gold Glove center fielder who got on base, hit with power, stole bases and willingly was the face of baseball as the (only) star attraction for Ted Turner's Atlanta Braves. The Hall of Fame does ask its voters to consider a player's character... a slippery slope. But Murphy surely must get bonus points.

I will concede that Murphy is an emotional pick -- I was living in the South when Murphy towered as a larger-than-life character who signed every autograph, spoke up for every charity and played brilliant baseball every day for mostly doomed teams. But my new theory this year is that if a player is in the discussion as the best in baseball over a substantial period of time, he deserves serious consideration. Murphy gets my vote.

I just wanted to say thanks. I know Murphy won't ever make it, but he's by far the biggest reason I became a baseball fan. If everybody was like Dale Murphy, the world would be far better off for it.

I know Mr. Posnanski will never see this, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to send him an email from CNNSI's website. Way to suck at something else, CNN.

Thirty Years Of (Mostly) Shame

I have been a sports fan since about the age of six. I grew up in Georgia, and became a diehard fan of the two main sports franchises in Atlanta, the Braves and Falcons. I don't count the Hawks, because, well, it's the NBA. The Dominique-Spud-Doc years were fun, but.... Also, I met Tree Rollins in the Macon mall when I was a kid. Let me tell you, he's not called "Tree" because of his extensive root system or coloful foliage.

So, it's been Falcons, Braves or bust for over thirty years now. No wonder I have so many complexes. Let me give you a quick rundown of these teams highlights since 1978 or so:

The Falcons we all set to go to the NFC championship game in 1980 (?). Their defense had spent most of the day pummeling Roger Staubach and the hated Cowboys into submission. Staubach's kids were crying and calling the police to see if anything could be done. Finally, the Falcons knock the quarterback out of the game and in comes rookie Danny White. Two touchdowns later, the Falcons are out of the playoffs.

The Braves start off the 1982 season 13-0. The finish the season losing 19 of 21. The first game of the playoffs (which they made only because another team lost) gets rained out with the Braves winning. The next day the game is started over for some reason. The Braves get swept.

In 1991 the Braves shock everyone by not only being good, but by catching and passing the early nineties answer to the SS, the Dodgers. They seem nondescript now, but trust me: in 1991 the Dodgers were unadulterated evil, like American Idol winners are today. The Braves lost the series in seven games to the Twins, but the future looks bright. They go on to win their division thirteen years in a row. They win one World Series though, and are looked at largely as failures.

The Falcons years of suckitude finally pay off when they draft an honest-to-jeebus future Hall of Famer in Deion Sanders. He is everything he is billed to be (covers receivers like a blanket, tackles like one too). The Falcons make the playoffs a couple times in there, but nothing comes of it. Deion flees to greener pastures for lots more money. The Falcons sink back into the mire.

In 1998 the Falcons make the NFC Championship game against Randy Moss and the Vikings. Every Green Bay fan I know is in my apartment rooting on Atlanta in a game they were supposed to lose by thirty-two touchdowns (despite being 14-2 going into the game: Vegas understands the Falcons). Doesn't matter. The Falcons pull the upset in overtime. The Falcons are dancing, the Vikings are crying, and the parking lot of the Twinkie Dome is littered with thousands of those annoying car window flags that every car in Minnesota was legally required to display in 1998. On the the Superbowl -- where Eugene Robinson gets arrested for soliciting an undercover cop the night before the game. Whew -- I almost rooted for a championship team there for a minute.

And here we are today. The Braves are good-but-not-good-enough. The Falcons have followed up their great 2008 season by having to win against Tampa Bay today to finish 9-7. If it happens, it would be the first time in the history of the team that they have winning records in consecutive seasons.

At least the Hawks are pretty good.

Updated at 3:36 PM: They did it! 20-10 over the Buccaneers, in 2010 no less. A single ray of heavily filtered sunshine on the cesspool of Atlanta fandom. Feel the excitement!

The First Step...

After reading this piece from Jemele Hill, I realized something that bothers me about the Michael Vick saga. I mean beyond the dog fighting, the lying, and the superhuman ability to blow through the better part of $100 million in about six years.

It struck me after reading this quote:

"We're going to root for him to succeed because his success is another example of how African-Americans can overcome," said James Powell, who was born and raised in Atlanta and has been a Falcons season-ticket holder since 1999. "It will prove we're not all dogfighters, thugs or drug dealers. It's another image of the black man in the media that will be more positive than negative. We don't want the lasting image of the black quarterback in Atlanta to be, 'He fell from grace because he was a part of a dogfighting ring.'"

Speaking as a white guy, I don't believe that all African-Americans people are "dogfighters, thugs or drug dealers". I don't believe most African-Americans people are any of those things. I have experience living in the deep south, where I was born and raised, growing up with large black populations in the schools I attended and the little league teams I played on. I have spent most of my adult life in the midwest, where, well, let's just say things are a lot more monochrome. I don't know anyone in either place that thinks all (or even most) African-American people are "dogfighters, thugs or drug dealers". Yes, there are small minded people in this world who do think that. Of course there are. But I think they're a minority (no pun intended).

But look again at the quote above. Supporting a dogfighter, thug and, well drug-user is the method many are choosing to employ to show that Vick is not a good representative for African Americans. It seems to me that the best way to take a stand against a stereotype is to condemn those who embody that stereotype. Unwavering support doesn't help the cause.

Hope that Vick makes good on his second chance. Absolutely. But acknowledge that to this point, he isn't living up to the image the community wants to project. Admit that he isn't being mistreated; not by the NFL, the Falcons or the legal system. Admit he's in need of redemption. Then hope that he earns it.

What A Concept

I have no idea if any of the picks the Falcons made in the 2009 draft will pan out. Maybe they'll all stink. But this is the first time I can remember a Falcons draft that began with the front office stating their goals (a big pile of goo to take up the middle of the defensive line, secondary help, offensive line depth and maybe a linebacker) succinctly and rationally.

Usually they spout some blather about getting faster, taking the best athlete, or being yet another tight end away from making the playoffs (also known as the Dan Reeves Corollary). This time they said, 'we need a safety, defensive linemen, a cornerback or two, and a tackle'. Here's what they drafted:

* 2 defensive tackles
* 2 cornerbacks
* 1 safety
* 1 defensive end
* 1 linebacker
* 1 offensive tackle

It's almost like they assessed the teams needs, drafted the exact players they said they would to fill those needs, and avoided the usual Atlanta Falcon draft day over thinking ('we don't need a wide receiver, but this guy ran a 4.3 at the combine'). No punters. No 4' 6" wide receivers from Fort Valley State. They drafted exactly who they said they would.

Amazing. Nice.

Is There A Draft In Here?

The NFL draft is today. I don't pay much attention to who the Falcons might get or who they're hosting in a private tryout or any of that crap. My only hope every year is that they draft well regardless of who they get.

After the ridiculously successful draft Thomas Dimitrov had last year (I think everybody he picked went to the Pro Bowl, including that 76 year-old blind man he took in the 5th round when some intern accidentally wrote "Florida State Rest Home" on the draft card) I don't expect miracles.

But for the first time since I began rooting for the Falcons back in 1980 or so, I trust the guy at the top to not screw it up. I've had faith like that in Atlanta GM's before (see: Schuerholz, John) but none of them ever worked for the Falcons. This is the team that drafted Michael Vick, and that was one of their good decisions. Think about that and shudder.

Otis, My Man!

In honor of the Atlanta Braves opening day butt-whoopin' of the Phillies, here is the greatest catch in baseball history. I've seen the guy crash through the wall and the one where the guy broke his nose in 37 places, but watch the slow-mo replay halfway through the clip.

Otis Nixon never takes his eye off the ball. He runs, plants and vaults all without actually looking where he's going. Granted, he was probably high out of his mind on cocaine at the time he did this, but still.

I was watching this game on a weekend while I was at Tech School for the Air Force at Chanute AFB in Champaign, IL (I think the base has since been closed). I remember it well; the Braves were up 1-0 in the top of the ninth. The hated Pittsburgh Pirates were in town and Andy Van Slyke, who played the role of Jerk Everyone Outside Of Pittsburgh Hated, had to do the U-turn after getting robbed with a runner on. Cry, cry like a tiny baby. No one will help you. You'll lose in the playoffs to the Braves again at the end of the season and short of a wormhole you can't do anything about it. God, I hated Andy Van Slyke.

Haiku (P)review / Your 2009 Atlanta Braves (Hitting)

a lineup four deep
followed by a black hole which
swallows playoff hopes

Haiku (Pre)view / Your 2009 Atlanta Braves (Pitching)

braves getting younger
lowe is only thirty-three
another long year

Minnesota Vikings Have Interest In Vick

The Minnesota Vikings have preliminary interest in Michael Vick. They probably remember him running through their entire defense in overtime a few years ago. I was at that game. He made them look like boys on a field built for men.

I think the Vikings absolutely must get Vick at all costs. Never mind that Tavaris Jackson, the Vikings current quarterback, is and always will be Tavaris-freaking-Jackson. Think about the protests! PETA will be there from Vick's first day on the field. They'll be outside the Twinkie Dome before, during and after every game. This must come to pass.

I've witnessed a PETA protest before. It involved a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, a person in a giant chicken suit, a PETA van, picketers, and me trying to pursuade my group to eat a bucket of original recipe in the parking lot. I got voted down -- lousy democracy.

A lot of erstwhile Vikings protesters would be level-headed citizens exercising their right to assembly to protest what they see is the gross injustice of a man like Michael Vick getting another opportunity to make millions playing football. The rest would be PETA nutcases.

It's unlikely anything will happen soon; the Falcons have put Vick on the trade block, but I think teams would be smarter to wait until Atlanta is forced to release him. But when I sleep tonight, I'll be dreaming of KFC.